Christmas Poetry Corner

This Christmas I am sending out
Some presents that, without a doubt,
Should bring some warm and festive cheer
To all the girls I’ve loved this year.

For months I’ve yearned for fair Odette,
But haven’t spoken to her yet.
I sent her my reluctant tongue.
(Removed with pliers; damn it stung.)

I long to kiss Patricia so,
But dare not let my passion show.
For her, with sundry scissor-snips,
I packaged up my puckered lips.

I crave, but could not hope to win,
Sweet nothings cooed by darling Quinn!
I mailed her both my hark’ning ears.
(Detached perforce with clipping shears.)

And how I’d love to marry Rose!
To genuflect and then propose!
In lieu of kneeling, begging please,
I ripped out, wrapped, and sent my knees.

Sabrina’s luscious hips and bust
Can set my loins aflame with lust!
To her I sent my naughty bits.
(Hurrah for home dissection kits.)

At Tracy’s glance, my courage fails:
My tummy fills with swallowtails.
With butcher-blade and packing-foam,
I shipped my stomach to her home.

My gaze is ravished, then subdued
By Uma’s perfect pulchritude!
She got my eyeballs, sheathed in satin.
(Gougings-out take serious splattin’.)

Vanessa takes my breath away!
For her I sigh all night and day!
I sliced right through my solar plex,
And sent my lungs to her, FedEx.

And Wendy! oh to touch, embrace
Her silken skin, her flawless face!
But mailed her both my arms already.
(Hacked ’em off with my machete.)

I worship Xena’s every curve!
Though when she’s near, I lose my nerve.
Such lack of backbone’s quite untoward.
By air mail went my spinal cord.

Yoshiko, how my poor mouth shuts!
I’d call her if I had the guts!
She’ll get my torn-out small intestine.
(Gourmet meathooks I invest in.)

For lovely Zelda, long I pined,
But never did make up my mind.
With chainsaw, clamps, and novocain,
I sent her my benighted brain.

I lie here bloodied and bereft
With just one major organ left.
I’ll leave this rather useless part
To you, dear reader — HAVE A HEART.

*

The first two installments:
Halloween Poetry Corner (2002)
Valentine’s Day Poetry Corner (2003)